Some Cautious Admonitions
Concerning Death and Snack Cakes
O esteemed and far-seeing members of the board, I would like to initiate slide Presentation 10.9 of our undercover internal review with two simplistical observations: The first observation may be articulated thusly: Kindly hearken: We, like all other interstellar snack conglomerates, commence the training of our new employees by imparting to them information they already know. Thusward commencing we create a sense of familiarity, inclusion and security in our new recruits. This (as we were so intelligently informed in Presentation 3.7 by Komrade Krimpshaw) oils them toward the more singular aspects of our complicated protocols. In both the theory supporting this training exactum and its actuation I stand in uprightly tall and eager agreement with current company policy. Inevitably the odd head will nod knowingly as the trainer speaks, or the occasional supererogator will flare his nostrils with impatience, but neither of these individual piques outweigh the benefits that accrue to the corporative well-being from the remedial manner of our commencement.
Dig, for example, exhibit 10.9.A. In this slide we find my partner and myself in flagrante delicto as undercover inspectors. You will observe momentarily an eminently illustrative verbal transaction as our unwitting trainer commences to instruct myself and Komrade Krimpsmith. But before I put the exhibit in motion, I should seize upon this opportunity to emphasize how Komrade Krimpsmith conducted himself with great panache and conscientious personal hygiene in our investigatory pursuit. With this deserved public recognition of his lightly floral after-shave consummated, I may now proceed.
Trainer: "We commence the process by bringing our solution to a rolling boil..."
Please dig the facial anomaly that here invades the countenances of both myself and Komrade Krimpsmith. Our expressions clearly transcend the mere theatrics of our feigned novitiate. Behold our deep and authentical surprise at the trainer's statement. Large Members, I know boiling solutions. I know their role in our processes and I can identify them instantly by sight. And yet, I did not know that this solution must be at a rolling boil to fashion our delectable Krimpenski Snack Cakes. Does not the impressive height and arch of my eyebrow in this slide evince the personal significance I found in this unexpected enlightenment? I heartily believe it does.
But now dig this.
Trainer: "...to a boil so hotly rolling that even Balinoks must take care with their Novets."
Dig, Large Members, how visibly Komrade Krimpsmith and I reverberate at this utterance. Well we appreciate the import of Novet conservation, as you glean. The trainer discommoded us exceedingly, in fact, by referring to them in the disturbing context of boiling solutions. I bring this to your far-seeing attentions to elucidate my second preliminary point. Namely, that even materials as mundane as boiling solutions can infuse a training session with drama when expertly employed. I and Komrade Krimpsmith both considered this pregnant comment of the trainer a masterstroke and, after conferring, hemming, and dining together once or twice, decided to enthusiastically advocate such techniques here. Our horror at the idea of Novets being boiled cued us to wonder what startling idea might follow from the lips of this training genius. It wrested our attention and aroused us to a more fertile state of mental ingestion.
Large Members, I make these preliminary remarks separate from the main body of our presentation to diffuse any confusion as to our position. In what follows of Presentation 10.9 it might seem we argue against remediation. This, however, would interpret us too narrowly. Vigorously, in fact, we support the standing policy that all training sessions should begin with a severe belaboring of the already-known and obvious! Also it might appear in our presentation that we argue against use of drama. Again, incorrect! Actually we would like to suggest theatrical methods like those demonstrated above be studied, elaborated, debated and developed with a view toward potentially massaging them into the company training manual. We believe, indeed, it would benefit the conglomerate at the interstellar level to shape all trainers to exercise not only their Krimpenski competence and informatory skillage, but also to engage the interpersonal manipulations of surprise, drama, revulsion, humor, costume and make-up.
With these prefecatory clarifications abaft, I would like now to proceed toward the more provocative and fundamental point of Presentation 10.9. First, though, it behooves me to compliment the high cuisine of the previous break's repast. I have never before knifed a more spreadable Pate Civilized Sector Nine. Its tangy bouquet recalled the frosty winters of those long ago creatures. I bow to hostess Krimpletta and preparer Krimpnatoo. Their shining gastronomics and our rather frenzied lapping of that rarest of delicacies shall ever be remembered. Like the titillating sagas of Kankervin, I'm sure that snack shall be retold with rousing jollity and lukewarm horripilation for ages.
With my bow complete I would now like to proceed onward.
Dig, if you will, slide 10.9.A.c.
In some moments after the described masterstroke above the trainer commenced thusly: Kindly hearken:
Trainer: "The contents of this bag are important. Meal, it contains, drakt, malt and constakly."
I am allowing this slide to stay in motion now, Large Members, that you might view the grace of our competent and well-manicured trainer as he liquidly glides across the preparation floor to introduce the subsequental bag of ingredients. And, yes, by your sudden inhalations and breathy murmurs I deduce how profoundly you anticipate the contents of this pivotal second bag. So behold, Extra Large Members! For here rubs the primary thrust of our Presentation 10.9. Komrade Krimpsmith and I will now propose a major shift in how we discuss the unwieldy contents of this second bag. The slide continues to move. Kindly dig:
Trainer: "Within this bag wait the Krim of Krimpenskis. The Krim are living organisms and the most important component of our protocol."
Who among us does not know this fact, Komrades? Who? I feel compelled to emphasize here that my partner and I embarked upon this internal review without prejudices. With goodwill, we embarked, with trust, alacrity, hope, and the twinkling eyes of a rosy-cheeked earthling clad in yellow chiffon. This training methodology has benefited the corporative health for numberless millennia. We commenced our assignment with complete faith in it, I reiterate, and without aim to alter, skew or mold. However, notwithstanding the giddy loyalty of our subalternate intentions, and, in fact, quite in spite of them, the exorbitant expenditure of this prolonged phase of the training program soon sprang upon our reeling awarenesses like the skin-eating aphids of Kolisnard.
Large Members, the history of the Krim is common knowledge! Across 20 galaxies! Must we repeat it? Rehash it? Reword it? And so expansively? I refer you to Table 202.1 in the appendix to your portfolio. There you will find itemized the extraordinary expenditures involved in what we found to be an altogether too-masterful showcase of historical arcanum. We believe sub-phase 6 of training program 9233.2 has only persisted in use because it remains generally unknown to you, the members of the board. You may feel belabored by the remains of Presentation 10.9. But the belaboring will highlight to what degree this sub-phase has become superfluous. So dig now, Large Members, certain excerpts from this program and consider carefully our motion that company policy shift to de-fund this extrinsic of Krimpenski training methodologics.
I begin by rewinding this important exchange to its outset that you might fully dig what Komrade Krimpsmith and I came to appreciate as the charming simplicity of the trainer's under-embellished vernacular. I found his baritone voice alluring, his sculptural tonsure exceedingly chic, and his glossy lips a prime example of the contemporary plasticity that has graduated from something less than bar-room to something more than righteous.
Trainer: "Within this bag wait the Krim of Krimpenskis. The Krim are living organisms and the most important component of our protocol. If enough Krim die before taking their place in the protocol our solution fails to achieve its ideal consistency before its stamping and furnacing. The puffature of a Krimpenski Snack Cake flattens as a result, rendering it impossible to chew and swallow and thus unsalable. The Krim, I must repeat, are living creatures and must remain so until their addition to the boiling solution. This is of supreme importance. Lest you fail to appreciate the importance of this fact I will now offer a slide presentation that reinforces this important point."
Please allow my brazen interruption here, Large Members, as I prepare you for these foretold happenings. The trainer's mention of a slide presentation would not in itself aggrieve our balance-keepers. Often we indulge these platforms of information dissemination and genial collegialism. They are as necessary as the one we share in even at this moment. But an ordinary slide presentation this was not! Dig (as I let this slide now continue) how upon the trainer's mention of this imminent presentation you see a hidden door immediately jar into obviousity behind that boiling cauldron. Before us, Large Members, as you see, opened a theater of philharmonic size and acoustical nuance; a theater sensitive in its use of artistic mood lighting and doorway arrangement; a theater tastefully decorated with ultra-next latex and vintage advertisements. The curtains swagged with tapestrial demeanor and sensual plushness. An usher guided us with a demure but not obsequious aplomb. Then over-comfy seats we assumed. At last, overcoming the dizzying affect of this full-sense assault on our inspectory acumen, Komrade Krimpsmith and I managed to scowl at one another. Our surprise turned to quasi affront. How could this be possible, we muttered, as the hidden door closed on the bleakness of the preparation unit tiles, as a velvet darkness fell across the theater, as a viewscreen of proportions and expense much greater than the one you now gaze upon became illuminated.
Such a theater, Large Members, is, without question, a burdensome capital investment. To think all Krimpenski preparation units come so equipped boggles even the most fanciful of reasons. And dig now as the trainer begins to lecture! This being has been thoroughly educated in his subject matter and trained and coached and refined in the art of slide presentation to a degree that intimidates, nay, even shames many as seasoned as I. His ease, smoothness, familiar use of equipment and venue, and command of audience psychology exceeds any, dare I say, that I have witnessed even in this very internal review we now execute. The sentence I am now speaking, in fact, I only speak as a sort of verbal pause so that you can fully digest the words I have already spoken and prepare yourselves for the outlandish proportions of what I will here continue to unveil. And I learned this trick from him!
Now, I shall quiet that you dig for yourselves how this artist relates the story of the Krim, a story we can all repeat virtually without thinking, a story we have all heard ad nauseam and read on our own plastic packages in those idle few moments we occasionally steal for the personal enjoyment of our sizzling and highly delectable snack cake. Affectionately, Large Members, I challenge you: Indicate, if you can, any part of this lesson that is not common knowledge across ten thousand worlds.
Trainer: "As you know, at timepoint 61.221.005 SupraConstant the Krim began emerging from their primitive state. They had attained sentience a few million timepoints previous to this but only then began to dominate their world with culture. Across the next 200,000 timepoints the Krim underwent a slow transformation that brought them to the edge of civilization. Then, with the advent of the Prophet Clark, they sprang into civilization, and quickly, over the next 15,000 timepoints advanced to join the community of the universe. It was then that their delectable qualities as components for our snack cakes were first detected. Lucky for us, in their 15,000 timepoints of rapid advance, they proliferated wildly, inhabiting close to two thousand worlds. For awhile they even pretended to join the higher races. Since then their numbers have declined dramatically to inhabit only three worlds, each of which fortunately remains the sole possession of Krimpenski Treats, Inc. We are very conscious of the value of the Krim and, therefore, farm them sustainably. We expect thusly to provide the universe with our mouth-watering snack cakes for thousands of lifespans to come. We always underscore for new employees that Krim are living organisms, and that our special packaging keeps them alive until the time of the boiling and the furnace. It is worth noting that in the thousands of timepoints since we began farming Krim they have steadily declined in their level of civilization. This proves their early pretenses of joining the higher races just that, pretenses. Many of the art works of the Krim and the trinkets of technology they contributed to the universe arose during that aberrant period. The timelines of the prophets, philosophers, politicians and later would-be messiahs make interesting reading, but in no way compete with the sizzle of a Krimpenski on the palate. All of our customers agree to this. We inform our trainees of these facts so that you will read carefully and eventually know by memory the important mechanisms of our life-sustaining packaging of the Krim and what they means to the freshness of our product."
And on and on. Though this accomplished presenter stirred me with his consummate delivery, Large Members, though he impressed me successively with alternating flashes of brilliant dental prostheses and breakthrough originality, still I feared he would never cease. Nine out of 9.5 sentients in this arm of the universe have relished the sizzlacious sparkle of a Krimpenski Snack Cake. And more than ninety percent of those profess to have perused the rather involved but still captivating history of the Krim off the back of the plastic wrapper. And constantly we reinforce these cultural novelties via billboard, radio, and optic nerve receptors. So why sink so much capital into this costly multimedia extravaganza? Do facts so well-known across our corner of time-space warrant these profligate cinematographic reduplications? And for the sake of our most menial workers? Workers I must remind you, that Komrade Krimponker described in Presentation 6.6. as a tricked-out gaggle of ass-slapping half-assers?
Finally, in a series of exhibits I shall not here put in motion, our trainer gave an insightful explanation of how Krim messiahs contribute to the ultimate sizzle quality of our product; and how the necessary presence of those messiahs in our second bag of ingredients makes it imperative that the Krim believe they might one day be freed. Then the dashing trainer, whose liquid elocution had soothed us into a sort of drooly trance, set aside his pointer, the lights brightened, the hidden door swung ajar, and again we tracked him from the theater onto the bleak tiles of the preparation unit.
Dear Komrades, please allow me to take a breath here. For what followed truly moved me. Our trainer then squared off in front of the second bag of ingredients. He inquired rather significantly, and from quite deeply in his athletically pulsing throat, if either Komrade Krimpsmith or I felt prepared to cut open our first bag of living Krim. His question came almost in the solemn manner of an inquisitor. And his mien added a gravity to the forthcoming act that again duly impressed our already exquisitely heightened expectations. I have to say I felt a shuddering eagerness at this, Large Members. For though all of us deal intimately with the flow charts, quadrant projections and advertising rates of Krimpenski Snack Cakes, few of us have enjoyed this rather visceral experience of flamboyantly shaking a bag of living Krim, slicing open its patented wrapping, and then inhaling deeply as the steam of Krim body heat rises to the scent glands. And, Komrades! Their shouting! Their screaming! Their blubbering! And that particular crackle of the mix as those thousands of Krim go sliding into the boiling solution! These effects thrilled me beyond description. The legendary sweet smoke wafted above the boiling cauldron for some moments afterward. The trainer and Komrade Krimpsmith and I all grinned at each other with unequalled satisfaction. And yes, Komrades, I confess the rumors to be true: In a moment of loosened self-control, I blurted quite frankly, like any other of our excited customers: "Krimpenski, anyone?!" Ha! I was that overcome! I even tried to imitate the twang of the actor in our infomercials. How we guffawed plentily, Large Members, with our sound apertures wide and our salivary ducts pumping. How we did. How we did.
I shall now prepare my exit, Large Members. So, as I conclude thusly, Please hearken: I first here emphasize what I heartily believe to be the exceptional worthiness of our Krimpenski Snack Cakes. They shine above all competition. It is to further their continued glow and longevital continuance, and with utmost respect and due humility, that I and Komrade Krimpsmith offer now this unmodest though straightforward proposal. Eliminating sub-phase 6 of training program 9233.2 easily will halve the training and educational expense in the pro-time budget, while simultaneously reducing capital investment by calculable degrees in all drawing board facilities. The history of the Krim has arrived at common knowledge, Komrades. That part of it which we manage onto our packaging or into our infomercials more than completely satisfies our needs as the preeminent interstellar snack conglomerate.
Please allow me to bow in pre-parting.
With my bow complete I will now reluctantly pronounce that hereso endso Presentation 10.9. This has been a joint statement of Komrades Krimpsmith and Krimpump. As an audience you have been unfailingly gracious and unflappably patient and with great affection we jointly bow to you; and bow again and again. And now, hereso comeso Presentation 11.0. Please welcome Komrade Krimplick with a round of applause.
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